OLIVER’S ILLUMINATIONS 

PART THREE

94.

   I came to on a dusty hillside overlooking the port of Valparaiso. I squinted under the bright sun. My memory flooded back. I looked around desperately for Claudia. Pat and Nanette stood beside me. I sat up with a start. “Where is Claudia?”
   “We had to leave her. We could only carry you.”, said Nanette quietly.
    “Leave her?”, I yelled. “Leave her to what?”
    Pat touched me. “She’s tough. She’ll make it out alright. Now you must be strong.” “Remember your promise.”, said Nanette.
    My pain made me feel very small. I looked out over the endless Pacific. I felt I had Claudia in my arms only moments ago. I could smell her hair. I could feel the soft skin on the back of her neck. I could feel her breath on my cheek. I looked pleadingly at the dogs.
   “She is not dead!”, barked Pat. “If there is any chance at all she is alive, she is alive!”
   I was an empty shell, paralyzed. Then I was furious. I pounded the dirt. I tore the grass. “I left her to die!” I fought to deny my worst fears. I fought to accept them. I bawled like a baby.       

   “Stop it!”, ordered Nanette. “We have to go forward, one day, one minute at a time. Stand up! We must go into the city.” 

   “We did the only thing we could!”, said Pat desperately. “There was a chance for her to escape alone. You were unconscious. If we stayed with her, if we dropped you in the jungle, all of us could have been killed.” 

     I struggled to my feet. I fought to deny my worst fears. I fought to accept them. I bawled like a baby.